Here we are, about an 45 minutes from the New Year in the Mountain West. Of course I am brining pork chops in anticipation of New Year’s dinner tomorrow! (only I!)
I’m watching Live from Lincoln Center (NY Philharmonic doing Gershwin), and feeling home sick. Very soon it will be business as usual, as we break from the holidays and jump back into our daily routines, eagerly awaiting the next big thing.
As I look back on this last year, I’ve realized a few big things (and this is getting personal, so bear with me):
1. I still grapple with my old identity. Many moons ago I was a ballet dancer in NYC. I was literally told that I was never going to be successful because of my body. While I fought the demons associated with eating disorders, I still work under the same old assumptions; that I will always struggle to be as good as the next person. It has negatively affected my ability to share my successes, and that is a problem. Especially since I’ve come to a point in my career where I am assuming leadership roles in the company I work for. On so many levels I still feel like Sheryl Sandberg feels when she writes that she worries that at any moment someone in the room will wonder WTF she is doing there, and why they care about her being there. I’ve realized, though, that there are many within my company, on many different levels, that value me and my opinions, and want to see me succeed. My goal this year is to remember that I am valued; that many appreciate what I bring to the table, and are willing to help me succeed (and smack some good sense into me when I forget my value)!
2. Point 2 ties into point 1, and I will get there in a moment. As a transplant to the Mountain West from the great NYC, I’ve been thrown into an entirely different culture. It was never so apparent until I had to make a complete fresh start in this fantastic Silicone Valley Fortune 500 company that values “feedback”. A lot of my “feedback” circles around what most would consider NYC personality: a brusque , straight-shooting, no bullshit personality type, which is not as popular in a softer, less aggressive culture. I’ve had to define who I am in this new environment, for sure, and this year, as my role has shifted significantly, I’ve realized how much of my edge I’ve lost.
I would even go so far as to say that it has affected the way that I dress! I notice this about myself, and have started to get back into the program in the last few months or so. On so many levels, again, it resurfaces much of the earlier concerns mentioned about not being good enough, by trying to make myself softer, or perceived as more assimilated.
And here we are. Most people define their resolutions as Eat better! Work out more! Etc…
While I am not one to set New Years resolutions, the timing is apt because it is front of mind, and these thoughts and feelings are coming to a head.
So my goals?
1. Get back to being the fantastic me that I’ve always been, and chuck out the bit that’s been subverted along the way in the last few years.
2. Remember that my opinion and goals and achievement are valued, and many want to see me succeed, holding me in high esteem. Surround myself with supportive influences, and Own. It.